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02 September 2010 @ 03:27 am
depp & cruz hung out with us again... i think lemmer came...
felt like he was around, anyway...

like his company...
makes dealing with depp & cruz easier
Current Mood: chipperchipper
01 September 2010 @ 03:05 am
hung out with depp & cruz...
been talking about it
and finally did it.
frank and laura hung out too.

maybe hanging with them sat....

jesus... i better figure this shit out quick before this spiral gets fucked FAST!
Current Mood: indescribableindescribable
15 August 2010 @ 12:12 pm
shrinky dink wants me to consider doing intensive outpatient program (DBT) for my borderline issues and semi-suicidal ideation bullshit.  thing is, i have been semi depersonalized/derealized lately and i fucken LOVE that! i don't want to be therapied out of that!!! it keeps me going... it brings life back to life.... magick even.... if i get rid of that and become baseline again, i fear my ideation will become actual planning... i can't be bored again.... baseline is evil... it truly is the worst (besides numb - flat affect)
Current Location: parent's house
Current Mood: bouncybouncy
11 August 2010 @ 05:18 am
this is just ideation... and however wrong you think it is, don't worry... i am not killing myself... i do not think death is better than life... i haven't forgotten about God.... i am just "venting" in a way that allows some pressure out...  i am ok.... but mostly because this IS on my mind...

cut for suicidal triggersCollapse )
Current Mood: awakeawake
05 August 2010 @ 04:16 pm
i am going insane.
i am feeling borderline... judged, invisible, abandoned....

i think everyone is mad at me
and i am freakin paranoid as hell about it...

i wana cry...
i feel trapped
and lost

and unable to function
even though i can physically do it

it's not living
Current Location: hell
Current Mood: uncomfortableuncomfortable
05 August 2010 @ 05:08 am
a friend was truly upset yesterday... she took me to dinner and a drink or two because i am broke til payday and she needed a distraction... sux how that worx - she needed me and had to pay for it!!! i will return the favor, but still....

anyway... two blueberry flavored vodka drinks and a lemon drop shot (with sweet n low, mind you) later, she and our other friend asked if i wanted to keep the drinking up at his house and just hang (maybe even crash) for a while....  i declined.  i was tempted....

3 drinks in my system is usually a binge trigger...... 

so i declined.

i felt like i disappointed her
by cutting the night short...

but i had to avoid the alcohol...

i know i did the right thing by me...

but still... i wasnt there.
Current Mood: blahblah
the past few months have been stupid. besides fucking annoyingly ridiculous (and one horrific experience), there really is no other way to describe it. in an effort to keep things private and limit my long winded rant to a few paragraphs instead of my normal dissertation, i will skip to the events of this morning...

here it goes....

today i wope up with energy all ready to work out and enjoy one more work day til the weekend. now, even more energized post-work out, i went to get food for my cat and an atkins breakfast bar for me. returning with the food, i went to open my bedroom door but the fucker was locked. i turned the doorknob both ways (cuz you know, THAT makes sense), pushed on it (making sense again) and then called my cat's name - as if he had something to do with it and could help me get in. obviously it still didn't open. then it hit me - the door locks from the inside! how the fuck does a door lock itself? perplexed and now confident my cat wasn't responsible, i walked around to the other door and tried to open that. it was locked as well but i already knew that cuz i locked it a year ago. (worth a shot) i tried the main door again in case it changed its mind and felt like opening the fuck up. its mind wasn't changed, so i hit it. i knew this fiasco would make me late for work so i went to the kitchen to use the cordless phone (my cell was in my room) and, of course, the damn little bitch wasn't charged. (shocker) if the phone was mine i would have hit that too. soon it dawned on me that the best way to charge a phone is to plug the son of bitch in (genius). so i did. i started to get ready in all ways that i could without a change of clothes, my glasses, etc., so i would be less delayed for work when i finally, with the powers of my mind and a chant of "open sesame", got the door open, or until my landlord could help me - whichever came first. my attempts at telekinesis failed, as usual, so i decided to check on the cordless to see if it had an adequate charge to call in. it did. so there i was calling in to say "i have been locked out. i am waiting for a key. i have no idea how long this will take so i am officially calling out. should the door be opened before the end of my frickin shift, i will let you know and come to work immediately." this was the stupidest reason i have ever called out. it is a friday, which llike a monday, is never a good day to call out. basically i looked like an irresponsible moron. (not the first time, i'll admit). because i can be neurotic sometimes (ha! she said 'sometimes'!), i began to panic about what my employers would think of this foolishness. to get through the panic, i decided to clean. (yes mom, i said clean). underneath my law and art history books i found some bills. i almost freaked out cuz they were obviously late until i realized i haven't made money doing overtime due to reasons alluded to iin the opening paragraph) so i couldn't pay them anyway. (wooo, what a relief!) next i cleaned out my refrigerator which is the size of a keg so i was finished in 3 seconds. but i found sugar free jello and ate it. hey, if you are going to stress eat, be thankful it's sugar/carb free. i tried the door again. why? who the fuck knows! maybe to remind myself that i called out for a real reason and i tried all i could to get it open so i could actually show up for work after being out so often (referenced above). or maybe because i thought the bastard door got over its anger at being hit and decided to open as a gesture of forgiveness. apparently it was still mad. i decided to do crunches. (if you are going to be locked out you may as well have toned abs). i considered going to work anyway - fucked up hair, the boy shorts i slept in and bra-less. a very hot and appropriate look. (culdn't call friends to help with clothes cuz i haven't memorized a number since i got my first cell phone nor could i even go with my oh so sexy sleep clothes because my keys were in my room too and i live way too far to walk) so i cleaned my bathroom. i remembered that i had left my laptop on the "kitchen" table last night (took long enough, ass). so i then decided to write this note. (lucky you)

so here i sit... outside of a locked door, messing up punctuation and grammar, bitching about shit no one on facebook cares about, wondering when the hell i will gain access to my room.

good times.
Current Location: outside my bedroom door
Current Mood: embarrassedembarrassed
long title... this post will probably be shorter... i assume someday (hopefully soon), i will creatively write about this... how it freaked me out... how (i hope) it changed me....

friday i went out with friends & coworkers for happy hour.... started around 3:30 and ended, well, i have no idea since i was unconscious.  

apparently i drank what would equate 2.5 bottles of greygoose AFTER you subtracted the water i had them add per glass.
apparently i hit on a married man - a coworker - and apparently he almost gave in...
apparently after he and i left the 4th bar of the night, i passed out... he had a very hard time waking me up...
and then the vomit started.... it was excessive, i was told.  my breathing was slowed and i was sweaty....
he had to walk me into my house, put me in my bed and  make sure i stayed on my side/back so i wouldn't choke (and die) on my vomit.  he even waited outside of my bedroom to make sure i didn't.
at some point i vomited just a little more onto my sheets/pillow next to my head.  i woke up with my hand in it.
i had zero memory of what occurred upon leaving that last bar with him.
the fact that i remembered absolutely nothing and was able to forget/black out that extreme vomiting, is horrifying. 
long story short, i had alcohol poisoning and no joke or exaggeration, could have died friday night.
if he didn't stay with me....
i don't even want to think about it.

i don't drink for months and then binge drink.
have discussed in therapy that i drink cuz it takes away my social anxiety/phobia... and that when i drink, i drink and drink and drink... i remember only vague bits and pieces and usually act like a frenetic whore... sometimes just in words and other times in actions.  i don't hook up with strangers but i go too far (rarely sex) with friends... sometimes friends already there... sometimes ones i drunk texted and lured out.  (all men)

i wonder if i didn't vomit if he and i would have kissed.
there was extensive flirting and though i believe in my gut he would have stopped it last minute, i know he was considering it.
thank God he had the sense to respect himself, his wife and me.
thank God he chose to help me and not take advantage of me.

how horrible and disgusting was my behavior!
a drunk at 31...
a slut at 31...
a home wrecker at 31....

you'd think i would know better...
seems like every time prior i learned this lesson i was too drunk to remember it...
too busy worried about the details and how i looked to others than truly focused on what kinds of bullshit i actually did.

not this time.
i could have died.

time to grow the fuck up.
Current Location: inner hell
Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed
22 July 2010 @ 06:08 am
up early with what i believe to be allergies... nose is so stuffy i have gone through a box of tissues and i roll of toilet paper since i ran out of tissues AND money! (payday tomorrow - THANK GOD!)

i upped prozac on my own - taking the 10mg my friend have left over when her shrink (i referred her) upped her's to 20.  so until she (shrink) changes mine, i am now on 40mg.  helps with appetite and energy as well as mood (as i sensed some depression/dysthymia was creeping its way back to the forefront)

i have nothing to do today save for clean.  best friend from home (NJ) is coming to visit saturday and friday i want to pick up paycheck, buy something necessary (like tissues) and ready to meet up with friends for happy hour.  i took week off to rest and heal from the sexual assault i suffered at work a few weeks ago... hate seeing one of those fuckin kids at work everyday.  the two that attacked me were 17.... one is in jail and kicked out of where i work (school/residential facility for fucked up kids) while the other still walks around fuckin campus)  i dissociated at first - even froze up during the attack (which is odd since i usually am able to hold my own in violent situations as there is violence every day at my job... tho never sexual - and needed the time to feel what happened... to allow myself to believe it was bad enough to feel pain and violation and disgust and anger and fear....  in NY they call the crime "forcible touch"... sounds much more innocent than it felt... but at least i was able to get them arrested and stand up for myself for once....

weighed myself this morning and i am 114lbs.  keeps fluctuating - sometimes reaching a little over 116/117 by days end.  i hate that.  always freaks me out.  feeling less bloated and fat this morning.  not only because of what that evil scale says but just in general.  felt fatter recently.  know i am NOT fat, but still felt it.  body is not perfect - needs toning BIG TIME as i am no longer young anymore (will be 32 in October)... but at least i feel less fat at the moment.. at least i have that today... i will take whatever i can get at the moment.  

going through whatever this is sucks but with medication i can almost handle it better so my writing once darker and creative, now bores me... diary entries,,,, ugh! 

sorry everyone that i am not nearly as interesting as i was when i first came to LJ.  i won't lie, often i miss what medication has taken away.... i miss depth

more later, i assume....
Current Location: my head
Current Mood: awakeawake
21 July 2010 @ 01:09 pm
12:28a - just got home from taylor's.... technically it is wed now....  just weighed myself - 116.2!!! what the fuck!!!! was 115.2 this AM (tech tues AM).... gotta see tomorrow's AM weight before i freak out!  people say i look healthier now so i know i 100% gained weight.  i know i looked like shit at 113 but i felt better than i do now.... but my hunger is back and intense so how do i stop the weight gain AND lose some of what i just gained back????

my AM weight is 115.4
it is normal for things to fluctuate so i gotta chill out... still, this weight means i gained .2 pounds since yesterday morning.  my eating, though slightly less frenetic, hasn't decreased too too much so i am not worried about and other intense dip into weight loss... i have to keep reminding myself that i really hated what i felt like at 113.  i didn't hate me in clothes, but i hated my body naked (which is still do) and i hated how it hurt my butt bone to sit, my spine when i leaned up against something, and my pelvic bones when i would rest my arms at my side when i sat.  BUT, last night when taylor told me i looked better; that my butt has filled out a little, i felt fat.  i know i am not.  i know she was complimenting me and i know she is happy i look healthy again... but still... gaining weight, even when you need to, still feels yucky... you can feel a difference and when you find out others can def see it; that it is NOT all in your EDNOS head, it feels even worse.

glad i am taking care of myself this week... 
should get my ass to BN and do some of the DBT book.  check out some of that shaman book for peace and look up some trauma stuff just to see if there is more i can do to process this events as anything sexual (and alcoholic), turns horrific and ugly in my head.

i took this time not just to sleep... not just to not work... but to heal.
you have to work at healing... so today, i am going to start.

Current Mood: awakeawake